Recharging

It's Sunday afternoon. I am not sure how many hours I've spent laying on the couch this weekend. It took all my energy to shower and get dressed yesterday to go to a movie. Yes, that's right. A movie.

It's official. I'm burned out. I've been sitting here thinking of a dozen things I "should" get done today...some of them are even fun...but I really don't feel like doing anything.

I'm trying to allow myself to be tired and lazy. I decided I would try to work on nourishing my spirit back to health. So, I moved from the couch to my bed. LOL. OK, that doesn't exactly sound like progress. I grabbed some of my favorite books (like The Little Prince and Eat, Pray, Love), some magazine clippings, put some music on, and decided I would try to write a little bit.

Lo and behold, I came across a post I started so long ago... back in the 4th week of the semester actually, which would have been in September. I never finished it. It was a post I really struggled to write, though I'm still not entirely sure why.

After some additions and editing, I decided to post it now because it still fits and it feels more finished to me. In sharing this with you, I'm not looking for sympathy or whatever...I'm not looking for a pep talk. Writing sometimes helps me process what I'm feeling or thinking...but maybe sharing can provide an explanation of sorts, I'm not sure.

{Note: The italics are the parts I wrote previously in September...}

I've been very busy at work. Very. Busy. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around how I went from zero to sixty so fast...

The people filling my schedule are, for the most part, people I've done previous work with and were planning to resume our work once they returned to school. Some have sought me out after having no contact with me for a year or more. Others are new and have been referred specifically to me by a friend or staff member. While in many respects I recognize my sudden "popularity" as a good thing, it also left me feeling tired and overwhelmed at such an early point in the semester (we're only in our 4th week).

I was trying to describe how I was feeling during a conversation with a good friend of mine when she asked, "Heidi, don't you feel flattered?" I had to stop and think about that one. Honestly, feeling flattered was not my initial reaction. I felt overwhelmed, a little bewildered, and worried about doing my best work when I was suddenly swamped.

Then I got an email from a student who graduated a while ago and who was a former client of mine asking for some guidance. I was surprised to hear from this particular person because I was never quite sure how strongly we connected and also because this person did not like asking for help of any kind. The fact that the individual reached out to me was a big deal. At first I couldn't put my finger on how I was feeling...and then it hit me.

A few years ago I copied down this short passage from a work by Irvin D. Yalom, M.D., a psychiatrist and therapist (silly me, I didn't write down the actual source but these are his words). His words have stuck with me ever since...

"We are cradlers of secrets. Every day patients grace us with their secrets, often never before shared. Receiving such secrets is a privilege given to very few. The secrets provide a backstage view of the human condition without social frills, role playing, bravado, or stage posturing.

Those who are cradlers of secrets are granted a clarifying lens through which to view the world- a view with less distortion, denial, and illusion, a view of the way things really are."

Despite feeling tired, overwhelmed, and a little bewildered, I am also incredibly honored to be allowed to be a "cradler of secrets." I am humbled time and again by the trust given to me, that people feel comfortable seeking me out when needed.

And yet, what a huge responsibility. My coworkers and I have been talking a lot about this lately. We've all been very busy, we've all been tired, but we've all worked in some tough settings, so this shouldn't be such a big deal, right?

Well, no. In our discussions, we realized a few things. First, I think of college/university campuses as sort of self-contained bubbles...microcosms of "the real world." Most resources or services can be found right on campus and quite honestly, lots of students don't ever think about venturing off campus for things. Given that I work on a small, residential campus... this is the case even more often, I think. I realized the other day that part of what is always looming in the distance for me, is the fact that every one of those students is a potential client/patient. Even if they have a therapist back home or off campus... if something happens on campus, we get called in. For some students, we are really the only "adult" they trust to talk with about things or to go to with problems. Recently, after finishing up with one of my clients, I unexpectedly found another one asleep on the waiting room couch, waiting to see me, needing a safe place to go and someone to help.

I sometimes feel overwhelmed and even a little scared in those moments, especially when I'm tired and ready for a break. Sometimes I think, "Why me? How the heck do I know what to do?"

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. Reflecting on this today...OK honestly it doesn't magically take away my exhaustion, but it does help me remember why I do what I do. It helps me put things in perspective. And it makes me realize that I do deserve to be lazy this weekend. {My friend William has been telling me that for two days. Thank you, William.} No wonder I'm tired and unmotivated when I was feeling that way at the beginning of a very long semester!

Hmm. Maybe I just need to get better at validating myself and giving myself permission to say "no" more often (and not feeling bad about it).

Maybe I need to actually USE more of that vacation time I have piling up...