Oh, What a Night

So last night I did go to the "social gathering"...thankfully I had talked to one of my new quasi-friends (we're on the way to becoming friends, but it's still quite new) and she and a couple others I knew would be going to this thing. I was relieved. See, when my Crush and I spoke and I told him K-Dog couldn't come...he made some statement (I am still praying it was a total joke) about hitting on women and he hoped I'd have someone to talk to without K-Dog there. Sigh. Again, it was hard to know if he was really joking or not.

When I got there with my friend/coworker T (who happened to be in town) and saw all my new quasi-friends, I knew things would probably be fine...at least I had them and we could always leave. But it was weird, not gonna lie. We all felt like we were crashing the whole thing.

Finally my Crush came down to my end of this giant string of tables and was chatting with me for a while. He ended up sitting next to me when they brought his food out, so we got to talk more...and there was a lot of bickering and back-and-forth between us. And as usual, he ended up being quite sassy and basically insulted me a number of times, called me a few names, and told some other people that if I murdered him, they should grab his phone and call his sister. I told him that with so many people witnessing his sassy behavior toward me, I would be able to get off on Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity. Later he did tell me that he would never tease me and call me names like that in front of certain people/audiences, which has been my experience even with the joking and teasing we've done up to this point. I spent most of the night next to The Crush...at one point he bought me a drink (T too, but she just wanted water) and later he got a little touchy, but I'm not really sure I should make anything of it at all.

Anyway, T and I stayed with the group (who are clearly pretty tight and hang out often) until after 9:30...I know, so late, right? Hehe. It was for me. And dang it, I'm just pretty proud of myself for going!

Oh and it seemed one of the girls brought some young (under 21) friend with her and according to T, was really pushing her onto The Crush. During the second half of the night he was sitting between the girl and me. I'm really not so sure the girls on his other side appreciated me being there or the fact that I was getting as much attention from him (or the others) as I was getting. Whatever. 

It was very weird seeing him with his friends and acting all goofy and ... loud. He's usually so serious and calm and quiet. But it was good. I've wanted to get to know him outside of work...and honestly a part of that is so I can revise this darn idealized image I've had in my head.

So overall the night was a lot of fun and I met some cool people, had some fun with The Crush. He still wants to come out with K-Dog and I...so I guess we'll if/when that happens. I really hope he doesn't think K-Dog and I get as rowdy and goofy as the group did last night! Because we really aren't rowdy. At. all.

The night ended when they all decided to go to a bar for some karaoke. A couple of the guys wanted me to come and the one who kept calling me "Doc Heidi" all night practically yelled at me to "give a good reason" why I couldn't come out, but I just couldn't do it. I was spent. But was flattered they wanted me to come out and happy to have gotten to meet these people.

Oh...The Crush was chatting up some blonde at the bar at that point....I didn't even get to say goodbye. Kinda sucky, but whatever. Who knows, maybe he did that on purpose...

That's that, my friends. For now I'll chalk it up to experience and see what happens (if anything) later.

Gimme a Paper Bag! STAT!

I think I'm so nervous, I actually appear calm right now... like if my hands were shaking, they'd be going so fast they wouldn't appear to be moving at all.

The Crush emailed K-Dog and I to invite us out to a "social gathering" after work. Then basically immediately after we ran into him at lunch. I chatted to get more details (he was being a bit "secretive" with them) but he did say that K-Dog and I were "both [his] dates". I gave him crap about not coming out with us the times I'd invited him before saying he should've just told me he prefers hanging out at "classier" establishments than the "low key" bar we go to. He said it was more about scheduling, then said, "Besides, you're an East sider...I'll be honest, I've got a problem with that. It's like when I was in New York, you don't date someone from another burough."

In case anyone missed it...he said the word date(s) two times.

Kevin can't go. Hence the needing a paper bag. 

And for the record, I wasn't even all weird and red in the face...at least I don't think I was. I could even form sentences. And even though I planned to run approximately100 errands after work and buy some tile (which is really fun on a Thursday night), I didn't blurt out "I'm buying tile" or some other ridiculous thing.

You know what that is don't you? Progress.

Disappointment...Then Hope

Last Friday, party day, was a tough one for me. I was trying to juggle some intense client stuff with all the everyday stuff, and last minute logistics for the party.

So it sucked to get an email from The Crush- sent to me and K-Dog- saying he couldn't come to the party after all because of a doctor's appointment involving his knee and a cortisone shot. The appointment was supposed to be in the morning, but had been moved to the very end of the day and he wasn't sure how he'd be feeling after. {Sigh} He DID say he would go out with us the next time we went out.

K-Dog tried to reframe things by saying it would take pressure off me for the evening so I could have fun. That's true, but I still felt a bit disappointed.

Just to be sure I didn't lose the momentum and bravery I'd magically and recently acquired, I decided to email him back:

"Oh Crush*, rub some dirt in it, you'll be fine. ;-)"

*Obviously I didn't call him that.

He emailed back pretty quickly with a "hahaha" and said that's probably what he'd tell his students. Ah yes, we think alike. :-)

The party was a lot of fun, but I'll admit, a teeny part of me hoped he would show up at some point. He didn't.

On Monday I emailed him again. You know...to express care and concern. {Seriously. Where is this bravery coming from?}:

"How's your knee? Did you survive?

PS- You missed a great party, but I'll try not to rub it in. :)"

About 30 minutes later he replied that he might be having surgery and:

"May be on the IR for a little while, but I am looking forward to getting invited to another one of these bashes sometime soon!"

The next day, I wrote again. Told him I was sorry to hear about the surgery, asked about recovery time (you know, since personally I'd like his time on Injured Reserves to be short) and then:

"I'll definitely keep you in the loop on upcoming excursions to {the favorite hangout}. Not sure when we'll go next- I have my national licensing exam coming up, so I'm basically going into hiding. Although passing would absolutely be cause for celebration."

After I hit 'send' I wondered if I needed to be cut off...if I was developing a weird addiction and if he was starting to think I was creepy or something.

But before I could get too worried he wrote back!

"Well good luck on that exam! I hope you kill it."

He also said he hoped his recovery was short but that it depended on what they found.

Mostly I focused on the first part...and the thought of a post-passing-celebration. {Insert goofy smile here}

It's oddly motivating.

I'm A Big Girl Now!

As I mentioned last week, we threw a little party for K-Dog. In the midst of everything, K-Dog had run into The Crush and invited him, but by Thursday we hadn't gotten an "official" RSVP from him.

So I called him. I guess I was feeling brave because I just picked up the phone and called with almost no hesitation. {Yay me!} He answered the phone really quickly and seemed pretty no-nonsense...and he always just answers with his first and last name and I realized I usually end up just repeating it back to him {I really should probably try not to refer to him by his complete name all the time huh?}. Anyway, the important thing is, when I identified myself his voice perked up. :)

I jumped right in and asked about the birthday party, to which he replied, "Well, I do have a lot of engagements, but I was going to try to swing by...to squeeze it in between all my other engagements..." He went on to say he had a work thing on Saturday out of town, so he couldn't "get all crazy like you people" and he'd be late because he had a work thing going until 5, which is when the party started, but he would be there. I told him it wasn't a big deal, we didn't usually get too crazy and gave him some info about where we'd be once he got to the place. We hung up and I had no one to share my excitement with! Everyone was busy! So I sent L an email because I had a couple of other RSVPs to pass to her. I knew she'd be excited too.

Later, I found out that shortly after our conversation The Crush emailed L his official RSVP and said he was looking forward to coming to the party. Because she hadn't yet read my email, she forwarded me his email with a smiley face, then realized I called him!

When K-Dog returned from his meetings, I told him I called The Crush and found out he'd be coming to the party..and I told him about the other RSVPs. K-Dog was glad to get the update on all the party planning details, then asked,
"Why did you call The Crush in the first place?"
"To ask him about the party. That's it."
"Ohhh! You're wearing Big Girl Pants now!!"

Yes, yes I am.

I may be a 15-year-old girl with a crush, but at least I've graduated to Big Girl Pants!



Tune in later for more of the story....

CrushGate Forecast: A Ridiculously Hot, High Pressure Front is Moving In

We've been planning trying to plan a Birthday party for K-Dog, who is turning the big 4-5 on Thursday. I've been on K-Dog's case to make the guest list since January. Literally. Since I'm "work wife" that's partly my job. Our coworker, L, has been helping out and coordinating with "real wife".

So long story short: invites didn't go out and "real wife" found out she needed to be at a conference and her kids had sports tourneys over the weekend. Birthday Extravaganza was nearly canceled.

Then yesterday K-Dog gave the go ahead! The guest list (somehow lost...) was quickly recreated and email invites were sent out. There was talk about The Crush and select people from his department getting an invite, but they got cut at the last minute for various reasons. I didn't mind honestly, it's K-Dog's party.

Then today K-Dog left for a meeting and when he didn't return right after, I figured he went to the caf to eat. But for some reason I had this feeling that he would have a story to tell when he got back. I even said it out loud like 4 times to T- "When is K-Dog gonna get back, I just have this feeling he's gonna have something good to tell...he always has stories." Sure enough, K-Dog immediately launched into telling us that The Crush came up to him and asked, "When are we going out for wings?" K-Dog asked him what he was doing on Friday and The Crush said he didn't have plans. K-Dog explained that "work wife" and "real wife" had been working on a party but because of a snafu, we had literally decided yesterday to go forward with it. The Crush said he'd be there. K-Dog said he'd make sure to get the invite with official stuff forwarded out.

So it looks like The Crush will be there... {gulp}

I'm trying not to get my hopes too high...but given everyone's enthusiasm, including K-Dog's, it's tough not to get a little excited. Seriously, I think my coworker L was more excited than me at first! She sent an email asking how I was doing and starting talking about going shopping for a new top! LOL She's so funny. I feel the love.

And a little nausea. 

{Sigh}

CrushGate Update Part 2: The Little Engine... That Could

When I was little my mom used to tell me the story of The Little Engine That Could when I was scared to do something or had a tough task ahead. I remember her telling me to say to myself "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." Well folks, that was me this afternoon. After my previous post I tried telling myself I could do it, it was the perfect set-up, low risk, blah blah.

But of course, I started getting nervous. I even ended up hooking myself up to our biofeedback program (basically it's a way to measure a physiological stress response so you can learn to get a handle on it and calm yourself at will). My average heart rate was around 110- really high for just sitting at a desk! I should've saved a screen shot ...you could've seen a real stress response. Anyway, I tried to get calmed down and my coworker was sort of helping...but then she said, "You need to do this before 3:00 you know." She wanted to know what the outcome was before she left for the day! Turkey! A little bit later, when I was ready to flee, she looked at me and said, "Heidi, you really don't look good right now." I have such supportive coworkers. :)

So I finally took a deep breath and, just like I'd done before, picked up the phone and dialed before I could think much more about it. I figured I'd end up leaving a voicemail, but dang it, he answered right away! We chatted a little bit about something lame I started with, then I followed-up about the student. I'll be honest here...he did not sound happy at all and I really toyed with the idea of ending the conversation after I did my follow-up.

But I didn't.

I said, "OK, something totally unrelated--- what are you doing for the game this weekend? Are you going to be around?"
He said, "No, actually [a coworker] and I are going down to Chicago to hang out, watch the game. We've always said if the Packers and Bears play we should go down there and so we decided to do it."
Me: "Are you tailgating?"
Him: "No. We'll just hang out at a bar. He says he can get tickets, but I'll be honest with you....I don't really want to go and freeze out there."
Blah blah blah talking about the game and the weather forecast and the crazy cold weather we're having right now.
Me: "Well, I was going to say...K-Dog and I will be at the bar watching the game and I wanted to invite you. Plus, we never got to have you come out with us after he mentioned it to you before. Also, I owe you an apology for that...apparently it was my job to remind K-Dog to remember to invite you, but um, I didn't know it was my job {he sort of chuckled at that} and actually, we haven't gone that often since. {insert a little more work talk here}.
Him: "Yeah that sounds like fun. Let me know when you guys go next, I'll definitely catch you the next time. Once the semester starts and things settle a little it will be busy but I'll squeeze it in. So let me know."
Me: "I will. Have fun in Chicago, stay warm, blah blah."
Him: "I will, thanks. I'll talk to you after."

And then as I hung up the phone I whispered, "Let'smakeoutyoucompleteme."

But not really.

And in the words of the Little Engine, "I thought I could."

The end.

PS- After it was all over and I was exhausted from all my anxiety and after my coworkers said "That went really well!", my one coworker said, "Heidi, I'm sorry, but I really thought you were going to vomit earlier, you just did not look good at all!" Me too, my dear. Me too. 

CrushGate Update: "Heidi Stops on Green"

So. It's been a long time since I've had a CrushGate update. It's been kind of a rollercoaster since my last update, but I've no time for details now.

Yesterday I was sitting at my desk when our front desk staff called and said The Crush was on the phone for me. I thought, "Hmm, I wonder what this is about." Before the call was transferred to me, I kept reminding myself "Social skills, social skills, social skills." We exchanged hellos ... and even though I've been telling myself for a month that it's not going to happen and to let it go, as soon as I heard his voice it all started again- pounding heart, dizziness, that oh-so-special vomity feeling I get. Yes, this is why I need to remind myself to use social skills and to remember my own name. It was actually kind of surprising to me how hard it all hit me again- things had gotten better with my increased interaction with him last semester! Apparently a month of zero contact resets my internal freak-out mechanism. {Seriously, what IS IT about this guy? It's killing me.}

Anyway, I asked how he was doing, then asked if his holidays went well. He replied, "Eh, they came and went, how about you?" I replied briefly while thinking, "Gosh, we're chatting so much more than usual, I wonder what this call is about??"

Then he said, "So are you watching the game this weekend?" {You know...the big Packers game...it's a real big deal around here.}

It's hard to describe everything running through my mind, but I know one thought was along the lines of, "HOLY crap, maybe this is why he called, maybe he will ask about watching the game. I should let this play out a little."

I replied, "Yeah! I hope to!" and internally I was thinking, "Heidi, don't start rambling about not having functional TV channels to watch the game and then explain that yes you have a TV but don't have any stations..." Sigh. So I kind of left it at that. Then said, "The games last weekend were a lot of fun to watch, the Steelers game was intense!" He proceeded to tell me he ended up falling asleep during that game "to conserve his energy for the Packers game" and I teased him some.

All while this was happening I was thinking, "Heidi, invite him to the bar with you and K-Dog for the game! This is the perfect chance!"

Did I invite him, my dear readers??

No. Because as my friend BK puts it, "Heidi stops on green." As an aside, near the end of last semester, K-Dog did tell TC that he should come out with us some night after work to our favorite place for wings and beer. TC was open to it but it ended up never happening for various reasons. Seriously, I already had a perfect chance to ask him and I didn't. I'm still not sure exactly why, but I do know I missed an opportunity {although, honestly when he called yesterday, K-Dog and I really hadn't made plans to go to the bar to watch the game this weekend. We do now.}.

We ended up talking then about the real reason he was calling and I don't think he was too happy with my response, but I did the best I could to be helpful. I encouraged him to follow-up with me so I would know the outcome and so I could also do my own follow-up, if needed. He hasn't.

Soooo...if I can work up the courage right now... I'm going to follow-up with him about the student he called about. And I'm going to try my very hardest to just invite him very casually to watch the game, eat wings, and drink beer with me and K-Dog.

I can do this. I will not vomit or pass out.

Musings...

I have internet at home again!!! Woohoo! Gosh, I really didn't think I depended on the internet so much until it was gone for a while. It's been a crazier week than I imagined and I'm so looking forward to the weekend... and winter break!

I was planning a CrushGate update for you... a few updates actually. But I've been having a really hard time writing these updates lately. I tried a few times and I keep stopping and starting. And I wonder why it's so tough lately, particularly because I like telling the stories and you all seem to like reading them. Of course it's exciting for me, I mean, I have a serious-15-year-old-girl-type-CRUSH on someone. We all know I have had issues with serotonin and dopamine lately...I mean, last week I was dreaming about puppies and babies. What the h@$*??

But I think part of my struggle is trying to figure out how much I want out there. I mean, at first the stories were really funny and mostly just embarrassing for me. Now, they're still embarrassing for me (uh, especially all that social ineptitude), but what if someday, something does actually happen...what would he think about all this? And cripes, do I really want him to know all these embarrassing-clumsy-panicky-smitten thoughts I've had about him from Day One?

Chances are, I'd probably tell him this stuff anyway... 

But for now, I think I need to put a little more thought into my approach going forward. I'm still open to writing about it...I just need some time.

What do you think? Suggestions? Comments, feedback, any advice?

More importantly, can you forgive me for putting off a CrushGate update again?

I'm Not Really Back Yet...

But... I just thought I'd post a few lines. I've been studying like crazy. I'm sick of having my licensing exam hanging over my head and just want it done. So I've been spending most of my free time studying and answering practice questions. Seriously, it's like an obsession. I just want it over.

Which is why I'm on blogging hiatus. I just can't juggle everything right now. 

In other news, I talked to The Crush today. I had to consult with him, so it was absolutely work-related. And yet, I still nearly puked at the thought of calling him. I was practically hyperventilating. Yes, it's bad. It's like I'm 15 again. Except... worse. I don't actually react this way to all people... or even all men. It seems to be just him. I'd say I was getting close to putting him in the back of my mind since I haven't seen or spoken to him for a month, but ... I keep coming into contact with his students, or randomly hearing stories about him from someone I barely know. Seriously- I was at a going-away reception for a colleague last week and this guy starts telling a group of us a story about a weird phone call he got and the story ends up being about TC. It was kinda funny (again, good to know TC has a sense of humor). But weird. 

Anyway, back to today. I did manage to leave TC a mostly-succinct voicemail (instead of the rambling ones that end up getting cut off because I take too long) and eventually he called back. It was a decent conversation and I even managed to use my social skills. We agreed to touch base again soon.

With my luck, he'll just stop by my office to chat when I least expect him. And I'll be bent over or doing something equally ridiculous.

Lord help me.



Have a good weekend! I hope to be back with a post or two next week. No promises though. :)

I Know You're Dying to Know...

He didn't show up.

I was in the foyer greeting people, answering questions, and pointing people in the right direction, so I'm fairly sure I saw the majority of the 250-300 people at the event. I mean, sure, there's a chance he managed to get into the big ballroom/conference room area through one of the side doors, but that's unlikely.

I swear I saw him walking toward the building (I was right by a window) at one point and my heart started racing.... but obviously not.

Anyway, the event itself was a big success (not that I had much to do with that part- I wasn't able to attend the planning meetings). We had an awesome turnout, the speaker was actually pretty good, and it was nice to be involved in a collaborative community project!

Cute?!

I think YOU guys are cute! Thanks for your comments... though I must say, I'm kind of having a tough time with the decreased ability to focus, the knots in my stomach, and the difficulty carrying on conversations at times. Sigh. And that's not even when The Crush is around. When he's around, I feel the way Buddy the Elf described it in this scene in the movie Elf. For those of you not able to click the link, it's the scene when Buddy finally asks Jovie out...this quote fits me the best:

Buddy: But... I really wanted to see you, and... and I think you're beautiful, and I, um...I feel really warm when I am around you, and, um, my tongue swells up. 

 Uh, yeah. I think that sums it up in a nutshell.

Although today, I really am proud of myself for carrying on a conversation. For longer than like two minutes! And actually, if TC is kind of shy, he did a great job carrying on a conversation also! Yay for both of us!

So remember when K-Dog and I had to do the presentation for TC's students? Well I was a bit surprised when we never got a thank you email or anything since from what I hear, TC seems to be a really considerate guy. Today, TC came by with a t-shirt for each of us as a thank you. The t-shirts were leftover from an event and are pretty cool...except they are neon green!! Yikes! Mine is made of the sweat-wicking material but apparently he didn't have one in a big enough size for K-Dog, so he just got a regular cotton tee. Heehee.

Anyway, I was typing away at my computer when TC came in... again, I didn't hear the door and just barely heard a tiny noise when I peered out my door and there he was. Since K-Dog was on the phone, TC came right into my office. I told him he was really a "silent walker" and should wear a bell because I can never hear him come in (later I realized he had a student behind him , who let the door close quietly). All I could think about was the last time he showed up! Maybe he was thinking that too, I don't know. I know my face felt a little warm and I'm sure I was a little bit flushed. I know I was smiling and I think there was good eye contact during the whole interaction.

After I asked him how his event went (yay for me for remembering social skills!) and we chatted a bit about that, he said that he was still planning to send that flier out to some people and that he'd already mentioned it to a few people. And then he said, "it's tomorrow night already." We chatted a bit more and he said it was nice that it was free and he thought he "might go just for the appetizers!" as it's at a local steakhouse and the apps are free! I told him he should go! We talked more about that and I told him he didn't even have to register because they managed to count me twice. We swapped stories about what we knew about the speaker... again, this is a speaker he has some interest in so bonus points for me for actually have some background info on her!!

Then he said, "Well, could you give this (shirt) to K-Dog for me? I can't stand here all day while he's yappin' on the phone." We both chuckled because we know K-Dog can be chatty. I said I would give it to him and pass along his thanks and appreciation.

And then he left. And I hyperventilated. And posted on my blog.

The end.

PS- 1. I've already had about 6 conversations about what I'm wearing tomorrow on the off-chance that he shows up at this event.
2. I have a suspicion that if his students actually DO go to this event, he'll end up with them...in his professional role, which will leave limited time for he and I to interact.
3. I could vomit.

Can't. Breathe.

My Crush was just here.

In my office.

He gave me a shirt. As a thank you for the talk we did. (K-Dog got one too).

We chatted.

I might pass out.

That's all for now....I need to breathe into a paper bag.

Paperclips & Neurotransmitters

Do you ever fidget with paperclips? Bend them? Twist them around? I do. I often do it during meetings or when I'm sitting around with colleagues and talking about work stuff.

I sometimes do it during presentations, obviously under the table or behind a podium where no one sees. I even did it during my thesis defense.

It's stress relief, I guess.

Apparently, I also end up making little paperclip hearts sometimes.

Ugh. I tried to tell you. All that dopamine and serotonin. It's real. And powerful.  


Bleh. Somebody make it stop.

*Afterthought: Yesterday, I also found myself nearly squealing with glee at the oh-so-adorable little boy dressed in his very-first-day-of-school-best, standing on his porch proudly while his mom and dad took pictures to commemorate the event. Two blocks later, I was ready to drive to the animal shelter and adopt a puppy because I saw the cutest, tail-wagging, leash-chewing puppy out for a walk with its owner. Again, gleeful "oohs" and "ahhs" ensued. I reminded myself I have two dogs. And no time for a puppy. Sigh.

The Rest of the Story

 Remember writing notes like this back in the day?

source

I distinctly remember writing notes that said, "I like you, do you like me? Circle YES or NO."

{Sigh} If only it were still that simple.

We had TC's presentation on Tuesday. Of course I thought carefully about what I would be wearing, since each of the other times TC and I have interacted I was wearing my work shirts with our program's name and the school mascot embroidered on. Don't get me wrong, they're great shirts, but I just wanted to wear something... cuter. :)

I would love to be able to say that the presentation was amazing and that The Crush and I locked eyes and felt electricity... that we heard harps playing and we rode off into the sunset together to live happily ever after.

I'm sorry, but this is not that kind of blog. My life just isn't that kind of life.

At least my "love plant" is still growing. {Remember the Love Fern from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? :) I don't plan to get all crazy like she did, don't worry.}

It was a very busy day, so I couldn't get too worried beforehand. We arrived early, as usual. K-Dog really likes to play music or funny YouTube clips before he presents. It's a good thing...BUT... it meant that when TC arrived, we all were just standing at the front of the room watching YouTube. Which meant no real chance for TC and I to talk.

Overall, the presentation went well. I managed to say a few funny things. And a few intelligent things. I tried to remember to smile and throw in humor when I could. I made sure to clearly state that we'd be finishing with plenty of time for everyone to keep to the schedule, at which point TC and I exchanged a smile.

There were a few lovely moments of very direct eye contact. One in particular made my heart skip a beat and my knees go weak; I was pretty stoked about it for a while. A couple smiles. But that's about it.

K-Dog told me before that he thinks TC is really shy and seems to be quite private. I agree. He definitely talks to K-Dog more...and they have interacted more often over a longer period of time. But I'm also starting to think TC has a "man crush" on K-Dog. It seems K-Dog agrees but said, "Heidi, he needs to know that he has to go through you to get to me."

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be flattered by that or not. {Sigh}

And that, my friends, was the rest of the story.

The end.

PS- I'm thinking about forwarding TC a flier for an evening program in the near future. The speaker is someone that he and/or his students might be interested in, though she is talking about a slightly different topic. I've got nothing to lose, right? I should send it...right?

Smitten Kitten

I know I promised you an update, but I just need to say, these last two weeks have been nuts! Trainings, presentations, trainings, more presentations, welcoming new students,a quick trip to Urgent Care (for my stupid fluid-filled ear), plus all the regular stuff. And I'm on call for an extra week and just praying students stay safe for the first weekend back. Sigh.

OK, now on to our feature presentation... New developments in CrushGate. Sooner than I expected, that's for sure.

And by the way, in case you didn't now....I'm completely smitten. I've got a crush. I've got extra serotonin and dopamine floating around in my body and that makes me get excited about nothing and think silly things and see hearts in random places...

These chemicals are powerful. It's not my fault.

Seriously, in the grand scheme of things, these aren't major events. I get it. And yet in my sick, totally smitten mind ...it's a tiny bit of ...something.

K-Dog did have something to do with this, but I'm not sure he was actually trying this time. Last Friday he had planned to be out of the office until about noon. I got to work and noticed an email from him at 7:30 that morning. He's not a morning person so that was weird to see.

Anyway, I saw the first few lines of the email and realized the greeting was to The Crush (TC, for short) and I was copied on the email. Basically, K-Dog apologized to TC for the delay in getting back to him about a presentation that one or both of us would be doing for TC's group of students. Then he said, "Heidi, could you please check our schedules and get back to TC," blah blah.

You might think that was a simple task, but there were so many things going through my head! First, K-Dog was trying to schedule something for a time we were already double-booked. I had pointed this conflict out approximately three times earlier last week. Sigh. Second, I know we're working to foster some connections with other departments and didn't want to say the wrong thing - i.e., "we're too darn busy to help you." Third, I was thinking, "This is it, Heidi. Your big chance. Don't screw this up. Be helpful. Be funny."

I checked and double-checked schedules, then tried to compose my email. I figured honesty was the best policy and I should just tell him we already double-booked and would do everything we could to be flexible and find another time and offered some options. I said something about while we were "good" we weren't "that good" to be in three places at once. {Insert smiley.} It was my lame attempt at mild humor in an email. Gimme a break, I don't know the guy that well!

We ended up having a funny email exchange. AND found a time that worked for the presentation. Win-win! The best part was that TC said the same thing I had been debating writing! I was so excited about it, I actually wrote him back and said that I was going to write the same thing, blah blah (it was basically a little joke about K-Dog needing to have scheduled "snack time" during his day). This was also a good sign because it said to me that TC has a sense of humor. Which is hugely important. Oh, he also said that they were on a tight schedule, so I told him it would be my "personal mission" to make sure K-Dog and I finished the presentation on time.

Yes, I do know I'm dorky, thanks for noticing. :)

So I know these are small things, but if I only have a few chances to interact with this guy, I'd better make the most of them, right?

The presentation happened on Tuesday. And that's where I need to leave you hanging until tomorrow. It's well past my bedtime and I'm wiped out.

Is This a Sign?

I noticed a tiny, new shoot coming up on my Jade plant in my office at work yesterday!! Exciting, in and of itself!

When I looked a little closer...

...Do you see what I see? A lovely little heart? My friend BK said, "It's like love is shooting up everywhere."

I'm not sure about "love"... but I do have some minor CrushGate updates....

Stay tuned. :)

Your Questions & Comments...

Wow, you guys had some good questions and comments about my recent confession about The Crush...or what I think I shall call CrushGate. Heehee.

First of all, no worries about the laughter and giggles. Honestly, if this really upset me I probably wouldn't write about it on here. The whole thing IS a bit funny...I mean, yes, I was embarrassed about the "butt incident"... who wouldn't be? But it's kind of par for my socially awkward course.

Second, K-Dog is very entertaining. And he's real. I couldn't make this stuff up! He and I are actually a lot alike and we do keep each other laughing, which is important with the work that we do. Not too many dull moments in our office!

K-Dog also really does mean well. He tries to help and take care of me in his own...special...way. Ever since I picked up and moved here for this job, he has tried to point me in the right direction, offer me lots of suggestions, and wants to help me professionally. He jokes that he feels responsible for me leaving lots of friends and a solid professional network to move here. So he does what he can when he can- like giving me ideas about where to meet new people, good food in the area, etc. In regards to CrushGate, K-Dog kept telling me he was just checking things out, talking with some guys, no biggie. He doesn't bring stuff like that up in public either, which is good. Like, he'd never make a comment about The Crush in front of the office manager or another colleague. Again, his intentions are good.

Another good question: "Ok, so what did the crush reply back regarding you being single?" As far as I know...nothing. I mean, really, what was he supposed to say? To my supervisor? Maybe he said something to K-Dog that I haven't heard about, but I doubt it.

Maybe there is more to this story...I suppose time will tell. Like I said before, I don't have much contact with The Crush, so I am going to try my very best to actually complete sentences, be myself, and inject some of my humor the next time I do run into him. Keep your fingers crossed!!

And yes, I'll keep you posted.

And the Hits Just Keep On Comin'!

 So. An update.

I returned to work on Monday (I had last Friday off). K-Dog and I were having some random conversation. I casually mentioned something about my butt incident last week. K-Dog excitedly told me that The Crush said he had a "nice view" the other day...or something to that effect. My immediate reaction was disbelief and shock, of course. I blurted out, "He did NOT!" and "How?" and "When" and "He did NOT!" Mixed in there were bursts of this nervous laughter thing that I tend to do in these sorts of situations. K-Dog shrugged and said, "OK. He didn't." And then I said, "He did?!" and repeated that whole exchange. Here's the story I finally got out of K-Dog:

The Crush emailed K-Dog to say thanks for meeting with him and the student, especially on short notice, blah, blah. K-Dog replied to say, no problem, it's why we're here, thanks for the referral, blah, blah. Then...K-Dog said something like, "Heidi was really embarrassed that she was bent over, straightening the rug, and that you, the student, and family member got a full view of her butt in the air."

{Side note: Is it really just me or does this make anyone else want to vomit?? Anyone? I mean, put yourself in my shoes....Anyone?}

At this point in the story, K-Dog paused to tell me, "See, Heidi, I wanted to see what he would say when I said they ALL saw your butt. I know you said they didn't see anything."

The Crush emailed K-Dog back and said something like, "Haha, I was the only one who got a good look."

{On one hand I was glad that the student and family didn't see my butt in the air. On the other hand...this confirms that he saw my butt up in the air.}

Again, K-Dog paused to say to me, "Then, being my devious self, {yes, he actually said that} I wrote him back and said, 'Well, she IS single. Maybe she did that on purpose.'"

I may or may not have been hyperventilating at this point. I also may or may not have vomited in my mouth a little.

K-Dog looked at me and said, "What's the big deal? I just wanted to get the word out to that side of campus that you're single."

Lord help me.

Social Ineptitude: Take 257

{source}

You might think that because I work with people, help them with their anxiety, and actually teach them better social skills, I myself would have no problem with such things.

You'd be wrong.

I mean, we've already established that I am sometimes a socially inept person. Especially around attractive, similarly-aged men.

Last week was no exception. First, let me back up a few steps.

I'll start with a confession: I have a crush on someone. There. I said it.

He is a similarly-aged person that works in a different department on campus, which means I've had limited contact with him. In fact, last week was really only the second time I've interacted with him.

I should also tell you that after the first time we met, K-Dog apparently called this guy's boss (K-Dog has good rapport with him) and asked him if he knew if this guy (aka The Crush) was single and available. The boss called K-Dog back and responded that yes, The Crush was single and available. I nearly passed out when K-Dog told me what he'd done, and briefly considered breaking into his house and freezing all of his underwear. But that would be wrong on so many levels.

Anyway, last week I knew The Crush would be dropping by the office to meet with K-Dog, but I was supposed to be in an appointment at the time. When my appointment didn't show up, I began straightening up my office. I was trying to straighten my rug...I couldn't get the darn thing straight, so I was bent over double... yup, with my butt in the air...straightening the rug. Let me be more clear... back to the door, butt in the air, straightening my rug.

I didn't hear the waiting room door open.

But for whatever reason- maybe I was finally satisfied with the rug, maybe it was instinct, whatever- I stood up and turned around.

And there he was.

Awesome. (I'm sure my hair looked great too, after being flipped up and around.) I said hello and explained that K-Dog just took a phone call, and told him he could have a seat in the waiting area, eat some candy, watch some TV and that it would probably only be a minute.

On one hand, in my defense, he was with a student and the student's family member, so it's not like I could just hang out and chat and be flirty. On the other hand, I really could've gone out there and introduced myself to the student and student's family member. Make small talk or something. No. Not me.

I have only a vague recollection of what happened next.(I probably dissociated to deal with my mortification.) I know K-Dog came out and he made sure to introduce me to the student and family member...then K-Dog said, "and you two (me and The Crush) already know each other," to which we both agreed but shook hands again anyway....(he is really good hand-shaker, by the way).

I know at one point The Crush responded to something I said, but he made eye-contact and smiled when he said it, so for the life of me ... I have no idea what he said. I don't even know what I said. I think I lost the ability to form words or thoughts when he smiled. I have this horrible vision of me standing there with my mouth open, drooling.

They all went into their meeting and I had about 20 minutes to mentally replay the whole thing in my head... After they left, K-Dog came in my office and said, "Well, did you work your magic?" I started babbling about my butt being high in the air when he walked in. And that I'd lost the ability to form words around him.

K-Dog just shook his head and said, "You knew he was coming here! You had all morning to prepare! .... I can't help you."

Great. I'm beyond help.