Recharging

It's Sunday afternoon. I am not sure how many hours I've spent laying on the couch this weekend. It took all my energy to shower and get dressed yesterday to go to a movie. Yes, that's right. A movie.

It's official. I'm burned out. I've been sitting here thinking of a dozen things I "should" get done today...some of them are even fun...but I really don't feel like doing anything.

I'm trying to allow myself to be tired and lazy. I decided I would try to work on nourishing my spirit back to health. So, I moved from the couch to my bed. LOL. OK, that doesn't exactly sound like progress. I grabbed some of my favorite books (like The Little Prince and Eat, Pray, Love), some magazine clippings, put some music on, and decided I would try to write a little bit.

Lo and behold, I came across a post I started so long ago... back in the 4th week of the semester actually, which would have been in September. I never finished it. It was a post I really struggled to write, though I'm still not entirely sure why.

After some additions and editing, I decided to post it now because it still fits and it feels more finished to me. In sharing this with you, I'm not looking for sympathy or whatever...I'm not looking for a pep talk. Writing sometimes helps me process what I'm feeling or thinking...but maybe sharing can provide an explanation of sorts, I'm not sure.

{Note: The italics are the parts I wrote previously in September...}

I've been very busy at work. Very. Busy. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around how I went from zero to sixty so fast...

The people filling my schedule are, for the most part, people I've done previous work with and were planning to resume our work once they returned to school. Some have sought me out after having no contact with me for a year or more. Others are new and have been referred specifically to me by a friend or staff member. While in many respects I recognize my sudden "popularity" as a good thing, it also left me feeling tired and overwhelmed at such an early point in the semester (we're only in our 4th week).

I was trying to describe how I was feeling during a conversation with a good friend of mine when she asked, "Heidi, don't you feel flattered?" I had to stop and think about that one. Honestly, feeling flattered was not my initial reaction. I felt overwhelmed, a little bewildered, and worried about doing my best work when I was suddenly swamped.

Then I got an email from a student who graduated a while ago and who was a former client of mine asking for some guidance. I was surprised to hear from this particular person because I was never quite sure how strongly we connected and also because this person did not like asking for help of any kind. The fact that the individual reached out to me was a big deal. At first I couldn't put my finger on how I was feeling...and then it hit me.

A few years ago I copied down this short passage from a work by Irvin D. Yalom, M.D., a psychiatrist and therapist (silly me, I didn't write down the actual source but these are his words). His words have stuck with me ever since...

"We are cradlers of secrets. Every day patients grace us with their secrets, often never before shared. Receiving such secrets is a privilege given to very few. The secrets provide a backstage view of the human condition without social frills, role playing, bravado, or stage posturing.

Those who are cradlers of secrets are granted a clarifying lens through which to view the world- a view with less distortion, denial, and illusion, a view of the way things really are."

Despite feeling tired, overwhelmed, and a little bewildered, I am also incredibly honored to be allowed to be a "cradler of secrets." I am humbled time and again by the trust given to me, that people feel comfortable seeking me out when needed.

And yet, what a huge responsibility. My coworkers and I have been talking a lot about this lately. We've all been very busy, we've all been tired, but we've all worked in some tough settings, so this shouldn't be such a big deal, right?

Well, no. In our discussions, we realized a few things. First, I think of college/university campuses as sort of self-contained bubbles...microcosms of "the real world." Most resources or services can be found right on campus and quite honestly, lots of students don't ever think about venturing off campus for things. Given that I work on a small, residential campus... this is the case even more often, I think. I realized the other day that part of what is always looming in the distance for me, is the fact that every one of those students is a potential client/patient. Even if they have a therapist back home or off campus... if something happens on campus, we get called in. For some students, we are really the only "adult" they trust to talk with about things or to go to with problems. Recently, after finishing up with one of my clients, I unexpectedly found another one asleep on the waiting room couch, waiting to see me, needing a safe place to go and someone to help.

I sometimes feel overwhelmed and even a little scared in those moments, especially when I'm tired and ready for a break. Sometimes I think, "Why me? How the heck do I know what to do?"

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. Reflecting on this today...OK honestly it doesn't magically take away my exhaustion, but it does help me remember why I do what I do. It helps me put things in perspective. And it makes me realize that I do deserve to be lazy this weekend. {My friend William has been telling me that for two days. Thank you, William.} No wonder I'm tired and unmotivated when I was feeling that way at the beginning of a very long semester!

Hmm. Maybe I just need to get better at validating myself and giving myself permission to say "no" more often (and not feeling bad about it).

Maybe I need to actually USE more of that vacation time I have piling up...

Social Ineptitude: Take 257

{source}

You might think that because I work with people, help them with their anxiety, and actually teach them better social skills, I myself would have no problem with such things.

You'd be wrong.

I mean, we've already established that I am sometimes a socially inept person. Especially around attractive, similarly-aged men.

Last week was no exception. First, let me back up a few steps.

I'll start with a confession: I have a crush on someone. There. I said it.

He is a similarly-aged person that works in a different department on campus, which means I've had limited contact with him. In fact, last week was really only the second time I've interacted with him.

I should also tell you that after the first time we met, K-Dog apparently called this guy's boss (K-Dog has good rapport with him) and asked him if he knew if this guy (aka The Crush) was single and available. The boss called K-Dog back and responded that yes, The Crush was single and available. I nearly passed out when K-Dog told me what he'd done, and briefly considered breaking into his house and freezing all of his underwear. But that would be wrong on so many levels.

Anyway, last week I knew The Crush would be dropping by the office to meet with K-Dog, but I was supposed to be in an appointment at the time. When my appointment didn't show up, I began straightening up my office. I was trying to straighten my rug...I couldn't get the darn thing straight, so I was bent over double... yup, with my butt in the air...straightening the rug. Let me be more clear... back to the door, butt in the air, straightening my rug.

I didn't hear the waiting room door open.

But for whatever reason- maybe I was finally satisfied with the rug, maybe it was instinct, whatever- I stood up and turned around.

And there he was.

Awesome. (I'm sure my hair looked great too, after being flipped up and around.) I said hello and explained that K-Dog just took a phone call, and told him he could have a seat in the waiting area, eat some candy, watch some TV and that it would probably only be a minute.

On one hand, in my defense, he was with a student and the student's family member, so it's not like I could just hang out and chat and be flirty. On the other hand, I really could've gone out there and introduced myself to the student and student's family member. Make small talk or something. No. Not me.

I have only a vague recollection of what happened next.(I probably dissociated to deal with my mortification.) I know K-Dog came out and he made sure to introduce me to the student and family member...then K-Dog said, "and you two (me and The Crush) already know each other," to which we both agreed but shook hands again anyway....(he is really good hand-shaker, by the way).

I know at one point The Crush responded to something I said, but he made eye-contact and smiled when he said it, so for the life of me ... I have no idea what he said. I don't even know what I said. I think I lost the ability to form words or thoughts when he smiled. I have this horrible vision of me standing there with my mouth open, drooling.

They all went into their meeting and I had about 20 minutes to mentally replay the whole thing in my head... After they left, K-Dog came in my office and said, "Well, did you work your magic?" I started babbling about my butt being high in the air when he walked in. And that I'd lost the ability to form words around him.

K-Dog just shook his head and said, "You knew he was coming here! You had all morning to prepare! .... I can't help you."

Great. I'm beyond help.

Confessions of a Foodie (Wannabe)

I'm obsessed with food these days. I'm not sure if that makes me a foodie... but here's what Wikipedia says.

Out of all the blogs I actually read and check regularly, most are food blogs (check out my new favorite The Good Mood Food Blog). I love the amazing pictures as much as dreaming about making such awesome food. (secretly I want a good camera so I can take my own food pics and blog about my own food creations once in a while).

I love the Food Network and am pretty sad I'm back to having no cable/no TV.

I have a stack of cookbooks that I was so excited to unpack and have actually gone through a number of them quite recently.

I love trying new foods (remember that episode with baby octopus?).

I'm also excited to have my own kitchen again! Some day I will fill it with gadgets and cooking gizmos.

Cooking is relaxing. Last weekend I experimented with baked veggie egg rolls (they're OK baked... way better fried). Chopping carrots and bamboo shoots and onions became this zen-like thing for me.

One of my favorite books is Food & Mood: The Complete Guide to Eating Well and Feeling Your Best. It explains a lot about health and nutrition and offers some tasty recipes too!

So why the obsession? Well, it's not exactly a NEW obsession. I'm trying to get back to eating like I used to eat before the job from hell, chronic tonsillitis, dissertation drama, and the job from hell. Snacking at regular intervals, making sure I'm getting lots of fruits and veggies and fiber and protein, and eating things I enjoy making AND eating. I take mass quantities of food with me to work every day, all lovingly planned out, then lovingly eaten. Yesterday one of my snacks was a bowlful of cherries and a handful of almonds. Yum.

I'll admit, I feel a little weird going to work with all my food and declaring out loud that "it's snack time!", but I have noticed that I'm more alert during the day (without huge amounts of caffeine). The last few days have been much more productive for me. I'm not starving by the time I get home in the evening, even when I have to run errands right after work. And I'm not really craving anything, I feel pretty satisfied!

Confession

I've been a little addicted to reality TV lately. Besides the HGTV shows, I mean.

For the very first time, I watched American Idol this season. Even though I only watched the last 4 or 5 episodes, I was totally into it. If there are any hard-core Idol fans reading this, I know, it's nothing for me to watch the end of one season (I've already been told as much). But the talent sucked me in! I even voted! My favorite was Danny and not just because he was a Wisconsin boy, but because he really could sing. After him, my favorite was Kris (the eventual winner) and yes, I voted for him too... twice in one night. I just couldn't bear Adam winning!

I'd like to say that was my first time voting on a reality TV show, but as I was thinking about it, I realized I voted for Food Network's The Next Food Network Star one season. I can't wait for the new season to start! I love that show. Food and competition?? Perfect! There's always one person that gets under my skin and drives me nuts.

But my most shameful secret... is my addiction to the show Tori & Dean. You know, Tori Spelling of Beverly Hills 90210 fame. There was a mini-marathon on this weekend and I watched it for hours. I did manage to do laundry and clean my purse and whatnot, but I get sucked into that show so quickly! Back in the day, I got sucked into the first season when they had a mini-marathon!

What is it about these darn shows?!

All right, so now it's your turn. I want to hear about your reality show addictions. I know you have them. I know I'm not the only one out here. Spill it.

Confession...

I may have developed a new addiction... a blog addiction. What started out as a simple way to keep in touch with people has mutated and grown into something else.

I don't know if you've noticed, but my blog keeps changing - I play with colors, fonts, gadgets, I've added books and thoughts and pictures. I tried to make it easier for people to leave comments (though it hasn't really helped increase the number). And I finally figured out how to add music! Go on, turn on your speakers!

It doesn't stop there ... I read more blogs. My list of favorite blogs has grown... I was actually a little irritated that one of my favorite bloggers didn't post anything new since early in the week and when she finally did post something today, I was disappointed! I was expecting something much more interesting and entertaining. What is that about? Who am I?

That leads me to wonder... is my blog boring? Am I leaving you all disappointed and unsatisfied? I did start out by warning people that this wasn't going to be the most exciting blog ever... but I certainly don't want you to be bored and disappointed! Feedback... I need feedback...

Confession...

I seem to have developed a bad habit. It's been going on since August... and it's gotten to the point that I'm finding it difficult to control and contain. I just can't get enough, even though I try to tell myself to slow down.

I've been...hoarding... boxes. There. I've said it. It's out there and there's no denying it now. It started when I applied for a job back in August. I told myself to gather empty copy paper boxes from work whenever one was available. Box by box, they added up. I smiled when I thought about how prepared I would be when the time came to move. Now empty boxes are stacked in the garage, in my spare closet, and a few on my bedroom floor...even 2 more at work in my office!

It doesn't stop there, though. At work we've had a lot of people moving from one building to another and for weeks there were all these collapsed boxes stacked by the back door. I kept telling myself not to take them without asking ... I promise I didn't take any without permission, but when I got permission, oh joy! I took quite a few sturdy boxes! The collapsed ones take up even less space in the garage! More room for more boxes!

Tonight I actually eyed-up an empty box at my friends' house. A nice-sized amazon.com box was sitting near where I left my shoes and I wondered if they were going to use the box, and if not, could I have it? I got a small box from my mom the other day and was irritated that she covered the whole thing in so much packing tape that getting the box opened basically ruined it so that I couldn't use it! Dammit!

This problem of mine may have been going on for a long time. I just thought it was common sense to save the computer box. And the blender box. The humidifier box, the microwave box, the weed wacker box, the box from my cell phone, and even the tiny boxes from my jewelry.

But now I'm starting to wonder if I've always been a closeted box hoarder.